Sometimes I wish I could avoid the hassle of packing all of my necessities into a suitcase, waiting in long lines, and getting strip-searched by TSA all to travel through the sky in a diet coke can. Clearly, I’m not a huge fan of flying. Most people that say they are terrified of crashing require serious medication and alternative therapies to fly home for the holidays. I simply loathe flying because I hate sitting still for long periods of time and oh yeah, I get motion sickness. (Yes, this girl gets sick on windy roads, roller coasters, boats, ballet class,etc, sexy right? Obviously it’s not something I’m proud of so I try to disguise it by avoiding such situations or taking a lot of Bonine!)
That being said, when my sisters and I planned our trip to NY I wasn’t too worried about a motion commotion since I had just recently gone back to NY and the flight was pretty smooth. As we sprinted through LAX to make our flight last Sunday morning ( we were in the wrong terminal, shocking) we felt pretty confident in our decision to fly the friendly skies via Virgin America. The plane was super sleak, with comfy seats, a sleak red interior, and personal tvs. Our featured flight attendant, a young flamboyant lad with a gelled back faux French bun, introduced himself as, “Fabiono!” (Yes, that was his name, even I can’t make this sh*t up.) Our steward first asked in the eagerest of tones,” Now who amongst us is a Virgin virgin?!” He then proceeded to tell us that he was our personal genie and was here to grant our wishes, quite the tall order. Fabi guided us to our monitors to watch a hilarious video on flight safety and we were on our way.
Within minutes of taking off and in my drowsy Dramamine 7am flight delirium, our captain came on and told us that we would be experiencing some turbulence for the next 40 minutes and it was nothing to be worried about. GREAT! Turbulence is one of my least favorite words, besides ”moist” and “dentist” but for different reasons…So I did all I could do, take several deep breaths, turn on my ipod, and try to rest, and maybe panic just a little. Now I have been fortunate enough to have flown on several bumpy flights in the last few years but this was like a soaring shake-weight! Fellow flyers all around us started to react and groan to the tin tidal wave. The captain came on again after 20 minutes and said that this was unusual weather and pilots all over the skies were commenting on it. Another 20 minutes came by and the captain sounded less confident this time. He told us that the motion would continue for another hour and for all of those people who are afraid of flying the plane could handle worse. Awesome! His statements were reassuring but the delivery was far from comforting. I pictured him in the cock-pit( I’ve been waiting 10 minutes just to type that word hehe) curled up in the fetal position and clinging to his blankie a la Linus from Peanuts!
Needless to say I got sick, several times. This time around I wasn’t the only one; I actually heard a few others around me lose their breakfast and as much as I hated it I also found it a bit comforting knowing I wasn’t the only pucker. The captain continued to repeat his now slogan about the plane being able to handle worse conditions while I tried not to have a panic attack…The woman behind Noelle yelped that she was a yoga instructor and didn’t want to die. The tv’s stopped working, everyone was thirsty for their overdue complimentary soda, and Fabiano, still gayer than a goose, was flapping around trying to calm people and himself.
After over two hours of being inside a motion simulator, the skies started to smooth out, we finally got our “free” drinks, and finally made it above New York. I say above because the runway at JFK was overcrowded so we circled the sky for half hour. At that point el capitan decided to tell us that we had all just experienced some of the worst turbulence he’s ever felt and thanked us for joining him in a ride inside of a washer machine! Again, so comforting right?! I spent the majority of the turbulence forcing Noelle to hold my hand and trying to ignore the glares of cranky flyers who didn’t like the sound of me loosing my stomach on board! At the baggage terminal, we overheard multiple groups of people from our place discussing the terrible ride and how they thought they almost died! We met two strapping young military school boys on our shuttle who were, too, still reeling from the flight. Our shuttle ride was spent making sense out of the ridiculous ride and what we determined to be the “B” flight crew. After all, there’s no way that Fabiano( who’s real name is probably “Eddy”) and the AARP ladies were first class flight attendants!
Of course I will still fly again and thankfully our flight home was super smooth and sans Fabiano. In the meantime, I’m working on a safer, less traumatizing approach to travel, teleporting. I will keep you posted!

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